Travelling With Baby

The following is an excerpt from the parenting book "How Not To Completely SUCK As A New Parent" by Scott Feschuk & Paul Mather:

Travelling With Baby

Okay, you've got a kid now. Your wild days are over. No more partying all night at some crazy dance club. No more spontaneous trips to the lake. No more, well, no more leaving the house really.
Actually, that's not true. There will be times when you'll have to leave the house. If the house is on fire, for example. And when these rare occasions come up, you'll have to pack the baby travel kit.
Manoeuvring around on the Earth's surface with a little kid is different from the kind of travel you've been used to until now. A trip to the corner store to buy some eggs has to be as carefully planned as a bank heist. Know your exits, figure out the angles. Can you trust the people in your gang, or will your spouse turn tail and run when things get ugly after your toddler sees the rack of lollipops?
But if you can do it, if you can make it to the corner store and back with your small child and your marriage intact, the rewards are enormous. Eggs, for one. And secondly, a feeling of accomplishment. You have left the house and returned alive. Congratulations. You are Marco Polo.
Here's what you need to make this dream a reality:

Car Seat
In the good old days, children were tough. They didn't need car seats. They just sat in cars, maybe on people's laps. People would just put babies in the trunk or strap 'em to the roof, crack open a beer, take a big hunk of asbestos and rub it on their face (for luck), and off they'd go.
They just didn't know any better. It's easy to laugh at the naivete of the previous generation, but remember all that money you lost in the 1990's investing in pets.com? So shut up.
Anyway, now things are different than the free-and-easy-baby-flying-through-the-air-because-there's-no-such-thing-as-car-seats 1950s. All children must now be secured to the auto frame by a federally approved child-safety harness system. This system must be installed properly to ensure all mandatory safety standards have been met, and it must match the age, height, weight, blood type, and future sexual orientation of the child.
Additionally, all children must be placed in the rear seat of the automobile, to protect them from the federally inspected air-bag safety system in the front seat which is good for you but bad for them.
That's right. Your kids can't ride up front with you. Not until they're old enough to no longer need a car seat. Under current laws this means they're in the back seat until they're twenty-seven.
This makes things easy because your baby is strapped into a plastic container, facing away from you, in the back seat where you can't reach her. As we all know, babies don't like to be picked up. They like to be isolated away from everybody, ideally turned in a direction where they can't see their parents. Plus, who doesn't like to be strapped into something? So that's another treat for baby.
When driving with your baby in the back seat, try to take it easy. Your baby may be crying, yes, most likely constantly, for the entire trip. But there's nothing you can do about it because you're in the front seat and she's not. She's a back-seat problem. So you're free to relax, tuning out the steadily increasing screaming, devoting your full attention to your driving.
At this point you may notice your knuckles are white and you're going nine times the speed limit so you can get home and get your child out of the car seat before she completes her transformation into the Hulk. This is perfectly normal.
Yes, you probably shouldn't drive that fast, especially while you're looking over your shoulder at the banshee in the back seat.
But on the other hand, at least everybody's strapped in. With all the safety equipment, what the hell, why not have an accident?

Snuglis
Maybe you don't want to drive. Maybe you can walk. Sure, it's fifteen miles. But now that you've crashed your car what choice do you have?
This is where you need the Snugli. The Snugli is a fabric device with a number of straps and buttons and hooks and several warning labels about how it probably shouldn't be used at all by anyone for any purpose.
What is the function of the Snugli? Experts now believe you're supposed to put your baby inside it, somehow, and then fasten some of the straps to your body, probably your upper torso, and then you're supposed to walk around like that.
Thus your baby is right in front of you, where you can deal with her. A side benefit is your baby is on display for all the world to admire. It's like hunters strapping a prize elk to the hood of their car, except the elk doesn't usually puke on the hunters.
A Snugli can be a good choice. Your hands are free, so you're able to do things like wash the dishes, tidy the house, pick up the phone and make a chiropractor's appointment because this kid is eleven pounds now, and so on.
One downside of the Snugli is that, for men, having a baby strapped to your body does now present the most masculine appearance to the world. James Bond, for example, wouldn't have a baby strapped to him (except maybe in that movie where he was played by George Lazenby).
And it's not unknown for the Snuglis themselves to make matters worse by coming in childlike colours and patterns. Even the Lazenby Bond wouldn't wear a Snugli with clowns on it. Not even if it secretly shot rockets.
What can a guy do to counteract this perception? Until they make a leather Snugli, or maybe something in camouflage, there's not much you can do to change the way the world sees you when you stride around with your puking baby strapped to your chest. Our advice to you as a Snugli-wearing man is to is to change your attitude. Don't think of it as a Snugli. Think of it as a baby holster. You know how cops on TV take off their jacket and you can see their shoulder holster? Don't they look cool? Well, the baby holster is bigger than a shoulder holster. So it must be cooler, right?
Plus, unlike a gun, a baby is never on safety. It can go off anytime. You're walking on the wild side, Dad. Look out world, here comes a loose cannon!

Stroller
A stroller isn't just a stroller any more. It's part of an entire system, a host of technologies designed to work together to simplify your baby transportation needs.
Most strollers include a car seat, which doubles as a bassinet, baby carrier, and rocker. The stroller itself may or may not contain: shock absorbers, a separate storage unit, a cup holder, a retractable visor, and, probably wheels.
Most strollers also fold up to fit into a trunk, and can be reconfigured for when your baby turns into a toddler. If you push the right button, many will also transform into a giant attack robot.
From time to time you will come across other parents who have a stroller similar to your own. They may even have the new model, the kinds with two cup-holders or the ability to transform into a better giant attack robot, one that can tap dance or one that has a heart of gold.
It's natural to feel some jealousy in this situation. But try to get past it. It doesn't matter that their stroller is nicer than yours. What you should be jealous about is the fact that their baby is also better-looking.

Sport Strollers or "Joggers"
How can you get by with one stroller, even if it does turn into nine different things? You need a performance jogger, so you can take your baby joggin.
"But I don't want to take my baby jogging," you say. "Why are you saying I need a jogger? Should I be jogging? Are you saying I look fat?"
Relax, fatso. We know you're not going to go jogging, that much is obvious. But you still need a baby jogger for the same reason you need a high-performance, hi-tech breathable water-proof windbreaker designed for rock climbing, or a titanium sportswatch so durable that it will operate flawlessly on the surface of the sun (where, ironically, it would always be noon).
Why do you need these things? Because they are cool.
And baby joggers are cool. They're constructed from light-weight but durable, space-age polymers designed by NASA scientists. They have quality reinforced grommets, so that if you figure out what a grommet is and need to use one, you'll have peace of mind knowing it's reinforced. And they have large aggressive tires with big nubs on them so you can really get the traction you need to BMX (baby motocross).
These things say "Hey, look at me. I'm still young. I'm still hip. Yes, maybe me and my baby are currently here at the mall buying bum cream, but later we're going rock climbing!"
So park your preconceptions at the door, man. This is extreme parenting!
Of course, everybody knows this is bullshit. But that doesn't matter: they will still love and admire you because, at the end of the day the fact remains that you own a baby jogger, and baby joggers are cool.

Baby Clothes

The following is an excerpt from the parenting book "How Not To Completely SUCK As A New Parent" by Scott Feschuk & Paul Mather:

Baby Clothes

Unless your obstetrician is very skilled, and a bit of a show-off, your baby will be born naked. There's no shame in this.
You may think it's necessary to provide your newborn child with clothing. In fact, it isn't - that's what grandparents are for. Baby clothing bought by a grandparent is just like an other kind of baby clothing, except for two key differences:
1. Quantity. Grandparent-purchased baby clothing keeps showing up at your house at an exponentially increasing rate until the birth of a second child, at which point it suddenly stops.
2. Price. The average price of an item of grandparent-purchased clothing is, approximately, a million billion dollars.
Grandparents shop for baby clothes at different stores than parents do. While a parent might buy a little shirt or sleeper from a department store or a discount rack, grandparents but baby clothing at special expensive just-for-grandparent baby shops with names like "Saw You Coming."
A parent-bought baby outfit is simple, just enough to provide warmth and protection from the environment. A grandparent-bought baby outfit is a multi-layered, multi-part ensemble consisting of a button-down shirt, pants (with real pockets so the baby can carry his credit cards and keys), a vest, matching socks, a hat, and possible, cufflinks - the entire ensemble exactly like something from the runways of Paris, except perfectly scaled down. Like a model railroad of clothing.
In spite of all the expense and the trouble, a grandparent-bought baby outfit is a good purchase. It's made from high-quality materials designed to survive years of use, if for some reason your baby doesn't grow and stays exactly the same size. If you've got the growing type of baby, you better start suiting the kid up now because he'll probably outgrow the outfit before you can get the cufflinks on.
You can't rely on grandparents for all the clothes you'll need; it may mean visiting then every week. Sooner or later, you'll have to learn baby fashion basics:

The Onesie
The onesie is a simple T-shirt style garment. It's typically short-sleeved, has snaps at the crotch to provide easy access to the diaper, and, for some reason, makes your baby look like a cast member from an early episode of Star Trek.
Seriously. It's hilarious. They're almost always primary colours, all they need is a little Star Trek badge over the left breast and your baby would be all set. Or maybe epaulettes for a more Forbidden Planet-type look. Either way, they have some definite science-fiction quality to them.
This makes sense if you think about it. Science fiction people are people from the future, and people from the future are, presumably, babies now. So apparently onesies look like sci-fi jumpsuits because sci-fi jumpsuits actually are onesies that the future people scaled up because they liked them so much when they were babies.

Leggings
Baby girls wear leggings, baby boys wear pants. Or, rather, parents of baby girls try to make them wear leggings, and parents of baby boys try to make them wear pants.
You've heard of the expression "we all put on our pants one leg at a time." Except for babies. Babies put their pants on no legs at a time. They lie on their back and kick at you with a preternatural, apparently instinctive ability to hamper any attempt at getting their legs into the pants.
Here's how you put pants on a baby:
1. Lay baby on back
2. Put hand up into right pant leg, grab right foot, pull foot through right pant leg.
3. Put other hand into left pant leg, grab left foot.
4. Baby removes right leg from right pant leg.
5. While still holding onto left foot, put other hand into right pant leg and attempt to grab right foot.
6. Baby removes left leg from left pant leg.
7. Buy a kilt.

Hats
If you grew up in the 1970's, you might remember being told to go outside and play. This is because people at the time for some reason laboured under the delusion that sunshine and fresh air are good for you. We now know this to be false. Sunshine is a deadly, deadly poison and eventually they'll probably figure out air is bad for you too.
That the rays of the sun are deadly shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, considering that the sun is basically a giant nuclear reactor hovering in space. Eventually, activists will probably succeed in getting it shut down, but until then our children must wear hats.
When choosing a child's sun hat, make sure you pick something that's light, comfortable, and has a wide brim to provide full coverage. Pick a hat that's several sizes too big, to allow the skull to continue growing after you Krazy Glue it onto the kid's head, because that's the only way you'll get her to wear it.

Shoes
It's possible to buy sneakers, sandals, and even dress shoes in tiny sizes for newborn babies. Many of these will end up being bronzed and kept as keepsakes, and in fact if you're buying a pair you might as well get them bronzed and mounted at the point-of-purchase because, of course, bronzed or not, they're totally useless.
The problem with shoes for newborns is technical, but in simplified layman's terms it boils down to this: babies can't walk. Therefore, the whole shoe thing is a waste of time.
Older children who do walk may appreciate owning shoes, especially because in combination with shirts, they allow one to get service.

Pyjamas
For some reason, children are expected to wear pyjamas, even though most adults don't. Those adults who do wear pyjamas wear them all the time and never take them off (for example, Hugh Hefner).
Why is it that children are required to wear pyjamas but are prohibited from having a smoking jacket and pipe and going to late-night parties with supermodels? No one knows. But the good news is baby pyjamas look even more like Star Trek outfits than onesies do, so enjoy.

Miscellaneous: Jackets, Boots, Sweaters, Etc.
Yeah, you have to buy these too.

Baby Monitors

The following is an excerpt from the parenting book "How Not To Completely SUCK As A New Parent" by Scott Feschuk & Paul Mather:

Baby Monitors

Let's face it: no matter how dedicated a parent you are, you can't be everywhere. And when we say "everywhere" we mean you can't be in your baby's room, in your house, only feet away from your own bedroom. And when we say "can't" we mean "don't want to."
Luckily for you there's such a thing as a baby monitor.

What Is a Baby Monitor?
A baby monitor is actually a set of two radio transmitters. One is placed in the baby's room, where it is able to listen in on your baby's activities, while the other goes with you to the bar.
No! Not to the bar! That's not responsible. Besides, everybody at the bar would make fun of you for having this baby monitor stuck on your belt. And what if instead of bringing the receiver, you accidentally brought the transmitter to the bar? Now your baby can hear you, drunk, getting into an argument with some guy about who was the best member of A-Team. Which is stupid, because we all know it's Face.
No, you won't be using your baby monitor to go drinking at some bar. Instead, you'll be using it within your own home, to listen in on your sleeping child while you perform other activities. Such as drinking alone in the kitchen.

Types of Monitors
Audio monitors are the most basic type of baby monitor. Actually, a more basic type of baby monitor is the now-rare telegraph monitor. However, this requires the baby to learn Morse code, something many children don't master until they're at least three. The telegraph monitor replaced the even more basic carrier pigeon and smoke signal styles of baby monitor. Audio monitors come with a number of options. Sound and light monitors feature a series of blinking lights. When your baby starts to cry,the blinking lights blink. The idea here is if you're working in a noisy environment, or if you're sitting around listening to recordings of babies crying, and your real baby starts to cry, you'll see the blinking and act appropriately.
The downside is if your baby starts really wailing those lights will start blinking so much that you might have a seizure. This is why you should purchase a second baby monitor to monitor yourself and give the receiver to your parents, who will then be able to come over and slip a wallet between your teeth so you don't swallow your tongue. Then, assuming you survive, and since your folks are there anyway, you can con them into doing some babysitting while you go to the bar. Plus you kept the wallet. Perfect!
Another kind is the intercom monitor which also functions as an intercom. For example, while up in your baby's room you might send a message to your spouse: "Why am I up here in the baby's room while you get to sit down there eating multiple canisters of Pringles?" Your spouse then has the option of pushing a button on the receiver saying he's coming right up to help. Or, more likely, he could not push that button.
Or, if he's smart, he'll do that old trick from World War Two movies, where you make static noises with your mouth and send back a message like: "command, your transmission is garbled, can't receive your new orders, will continue to eat Pringles canisters until supplies run out. Over."
Note that baby monitors may have multiple features, such as a monitor that has both an intercom and blinking lights. This can be useful because if your spouse uses it to talk to you, you don't have to listen - you can just wait for the lights to stop blinking before grunting noncommittally. This can save your relationship.
Video monitors are a step up from audio-only monitors. The incorporate a video camera that allows you not only to hear but also see your sleeping infant. You can spend hours watching a blurry black-and-white picture of your little baby, lying there in bed, sleeping, not doing anything. Surprisingly, this will often be better than what's on TV.
But, if not, point the remote control at it so you can flip around and see what other people's kids are doing. Now that's TV! Too bad you spouse ate all the Pringles.
Some video baby monitors utilize infrared technology so you can see your baby on the screen even if the nursery is completely dark. Bet the one that comes with a pair of scissors so that you can cut out a picture of your baby and tape it to the screen. Now you can see your baby on the screen even if the nursery is completely dark and your baby isn't in the nursery because she's sitting right there with you. Some monitors may even allow you to smell your baby from a hundred feet away. Who knows? Science marches on!
What product is right for you? How much surveillance is too much? If, when your toddler is playing with his little friends, he points at the monitor and mouths the words, "It's not safe here" and then turns on some loud music before talking in hushed whispers in the corner, you may have overdone it. On the other hand, what are those kids up to? Two-year-olds can be pretty shifty. See if you can cut a deal with one of the smaller kids to turn rat.

Are Baby Monitors Safe?
Some parents have concerns that baby monitors and other wireless electronic equipment may pose a health risk, similar to the potential health risk, similar to the potential health risks posed by cellphones. Although there is no scientific evidence for such a concern, experts do agree that, like cellphones, baby monitors should never be used while your infant is driving.
If you are worried about using an electronic baby monitor, there are some low-tech alternatives.

Cut a Hole in the Wall
This allows you to see, hear, smell, touch, poke with a stick, and otherwise interact with your infant. Note that you may have to cut through several walls, depending where you are in your house. Also note that the sound of the chainsaw may interfere with your child's sleeping.

Hire a Guy
With the fall of the Soviet Union, there are many former KGB surveillance experts who are now working feelance on the open market. Hiring one to tail your infant will give you peace of mind, and - taking into account the exchange rate - may actually be cheaper than a baby monitor. Drawback: as your child gets older and becomes more independent he may try to "shake" his tail, prompting exciting stroller chases and gunfights.
Also, what if your toddler "turns" your agent, bribes him, or cajoles him into spying on you? Will you use the traitor to feed your child false information? Or will he have an unfortunate "accident"? Experts agree the answer depends on your parenting style.

When Should I Stop Using the Baby Monitor?
Many parents become so accustomed to the baby monitor that they don't know when to stop using it. When does a child become old enough to no longer require this kind of supervision? Experts say a good rule of thumb is this: If you turn on the baby monitor, and you hear the sound of your kid talking to her kids, it's time to quit.

Conclusion
A baby monitor can keep your child safe, provide you with some independence and - perhaps most importantly - prepare your child for the nightmarish world of the future where privacy is a thing of the past and Big Brother is always watching.

Why not take our quick quiz to review the information from this section?

Baby Monitor Quick Quiz
1)Who was the best member of the A-Team?
a)Hannibal
b)Face
c)B.A Barracus
d) Mad Murdock

Answer: B.