Baby Clothes
Unless your obstetrician is very skilled, and a bit of a show-off, your baby will be born naked. There's no shame in this.
You may think it's necessary to provide your newborn child with clothing. In fact, it isn't - that's what grandparents are for. Baby clothing bought by a grandparent is just like an other kind of baby clothing, except for two key differences:
1. Quantity. Grandparent-purchased baby clothing keeps showing up at your house at an exponentially increasing rate until the birth of a second child, at which point it suddenly stops.
2. Price. The average price of an item of grandparent-purchased clothing is, approximately, a million billion dollars.
Grandparents shop for baby clothes at different stores than parents do. While a parent might buy a little shirt or sleeper from a department store or a discount rack, grandparents but baby clothing at special expensive just-for-grandparent baby shops with names like "Saw You Coming."
A parent-bought baby outfit is simple, just enough to provide warmth and protection from the environment. A grandparent-bought baby outfit is a multi-layered, multi-part ensemble consisting of a button-down shirt, pants (with real pockets so the baby can carry his credit cards and keys), a vest, matching socks, a hat, and possible, cufflinks - the entire ensemble exactly like something from the runways of Paris, except perfectly scaled down. Like a model railroad of clothing.
In spite of all the expense and the trouble, a grandparent-bought baby outfit is a good purchase. It's made from high-quality materials designed to survive years of use, if for some reason your baby doesn't grow and stays exactly the same size. If you've got the growing type of baby, you better start suiting the kid up now because he'll probably outgrow the outfit before you can get the cufflinks on.
You can't rely on grandparents for all the clothes you'll need; it may mean visiting then every week. Sooner or later, you'll have to learn baby fashion basics:
The Onesie
The onesie is a simple T-shirt style garment. It's typically short-sleeved, has snaps at the crotch to provide easy access to the diaper, and, for some reason, makes your baby look like a cast member from an early episode of Star Trek.
Seriously. It's hilarious. They're almost always primary colours, all they need is a little Star Trek badge over the left breast and your baby would be all set. Or maybe epaulettes for a more Forbidden Planet-type look. Either way, they have some definite science-fiction quality to them.
This makes sense if you think about it. Science fiction people are people from the future, and people from the future are, presumably, babies now. So apparently onesies look like sci-fi jumpsuits because sci-fi jumpsuits actually are onesies that the future people scaled up because they liked them so much when they were babies.
Leggings
Baby girls wear leggings, baby boys wear pants. Or, rather, parents of baby girls try to make them wear leggings, and parents of baby boys try to make them wear pants.
You've heard of the expression "we all put on our pants one leg at a time." Except for babies. Babies put their pants on no legs at a time. They lie on their back and kick at you with a preternatural, apparently instinctive ability to hamper any attempt at getting their legs into the pants.
Here's how you put pants on a baby:
1. Lay baby on back
2. Put hand up into right pant leg, grab right foot, pull foot through right pant leg.
3. Put other hand into left pant leg, grab left foot.
4. Baby removes right leg from right pant leg.
5. While still holding onto left foot, put other hand into right pant leg and attempt to grab right foot.
6. Baby removes left leg from left pant leg.
7. Buy a kilt.
Hats
If you grew up in the 1970's, you might remember being told to go outside and play. This is because people at the time for some reason laboured under the delusion that sunshine and fresh air are good for you. We now know this to be false. Sunshine is a deadly, deadly poison and eventually they'll probably figure out air is bad for you too.
That the rays of the sun are deadly shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, considering that the sun is basically a giant nuclear reactor hovering in space. Eventually, activists will probably succeed in getting it shut down, but until then our children must wear hats.
When choosing a child's sun hat, make sure you pick something that's light, comfortable, and has a wide brim to provide full coverage. Pick a hat that's several sizes too big, to allow the skull to continue growing after you Krazy Glue it onto the kid's head, because that's the only way you'll get her to wear it.
Shoes
It's possible to buy sneakers, sandals, and even dress shoes in tiny sizes for newborn babies. Many of these will end up being bronzed and kept as keepsakes, and in fact if you're buying a pair you might as well get them bronzed and mounted at the point-of-purchase because, of course, bronzed or not, they're totally useless.
The problem with shoes for newborns is technical, but in simplified layman's terms it boils down to this: babies can't walk. Therefore, the whole shoe thing is a waste of time.
Older children who do walk may appreciate owning shoes, especially because in combination with shirts, they allow one to get service.
Pyjamas
For some reason, children are expected to wear pyjamas, even though most adults don't. Those adults who do wear pyjamas wear them all the time and never take them off (for example, Hugh Hefner).
Why is it that children are required to wear pyjamas but are prohibited from having a smoking jacket and pipe and going to late-night parties with supermodels? No one knows. But the good news is baby pyjamas look even more like Star Trek outfits than onesies do, so enjoy.
Miscellaneous: Jackets, Boots, Sweaters, Etc.
Yeah, you have to buy these too.
You may think it's necessary to provide your newborn child with clothing. In fact, it isn't - that's what grandparents are for. Baby clothing bought by a grandparent is just like an other kind of baby clothing, except for two key differences:
1. Quantity. Grandparent-purchased baby clothing keeps showing up at your house at an exponentially increasing rate until the birth of a second child, at which point it suddenly stops.
2. Price. The average price of an item of grandparent-purchased clothing is, approximately, a million billion dollars.
Grandparents shop for baby clothes at different stores than parents do. While a parent might buy a little shirt or sleeper from a department store or a discount rack, grandparents but baby clothing at special expensive just-for-grandparent baby shops with names like "Saw You Coming."
A parent-bought baby outfit is simple, just enough to provide warmth and protection from the environment. A grandparent-bought baby outfit is a multi-layered, multi-part ensemble consisting of a button-down shirt, pants (with real pockets so the baby can carry his credit cards and keys), a vest, matching socks, a hat, and possible, cufflinks - the entire ensemble exactly like something from the runways of Paris, except perfectly scaled down. Like a model railroad of clothing.
In spite of all the expense and the trouble, a grandparent-bought baby outfit is a good purchase. It's made from high-quality materials designed to survive years of use, if for some reason your baby doesn't grow and stays exactly the same size. If you've got the growing type of baby, you better start suiting the kid up now because he'll probably outgrow the outfit before you can get the cufflinks on.
You can't rely on grandparents for all the clothes you'll need; it may mean visiting then every week. Sooner or later, you'll have to learn baby fashion basics:
The Onesie
The onesie is a simple T-shirt style garment. It's typically short-sleeved, has snaps at the crotch to provide easy access to the diaper, and, for some reason, makes your baby look like a cast member from an early episode of Star Trek.
Seriously. It's hilarious. They're almost always primary colours, all they need is a little Star Trek badge over the left breast and your baby would be all set. Or maybe epaulettes for a more Forbidden Planet-type look. Either way, they have some definite science-fiction quality to them.
This makes sense if you think about it. Science fiction people are people from the future, and people from the future are, presumably, babies now. So apparently onesies look like sci-fi jumpsuits because sci-fi jumpsuits actually are onesies that the future people scaled up because they liked them so much when they were babies.
Leggings
Baby girls wear leggings, baby boys wear pants. Or, rather, parents of baby girls try to make them wear leggings, and parents of baby boys try to make them wear pants.
You've heard of the expression "we all put on our pants one leg at a time." Except for babies. Babies put their pants on no legs at a time. They lie on their back and kick at you with a preternatural, apparently instinctive ability to hamper any attempt at getting their legs into the pants.
Here's how you put pants on a baby:
1. Lay baby on back
2. Put hand up into right pant leg, grab right foot, pull foot through right pant leg.
3. Put other hand into left pant leg, grab left foot.
4. Baby removes right leg from right pant leg.
5. While still holding onto left foot, put other hand into right pant leg and attempt to grab right foot.
6. Baby removes left leg from left pant leg.
7. Buy a kilt.
Hats
If you grew up in the 1970's, you might remember being told to go outside and play. This is because people at the time for some reason laboured under the delusion that sunshine and fresh air are good for you. We now know this to be false. Sunshine is a deadly, deadly poison and eventually they'll probably figure out air is bad for you too.
That the rays of the sun are deadly shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, considering that the sun is basically a giant nuclear reactor hovering in space. Eventually, activists will probably succeed in getting it shut down, but until then our children must wear hats.
When choosing a child's sun hat, make sure you pick something that's light, comfortable, and has a wide brim to provide full coverage. Pick a hat that's several sizes too big, to allow the skull to continue growing after you Krazy Glue it onto the kid's head, because that's the only way you'll get her to wear it.
Shoes
It's possible to buy sneakers, sandals, and even dress shoes in tiny sizes for newborn babies. Many of these will end up being bronzed and kept as keepsakes, and in fact if you're buying a pair you might as well get them bronzed and mounted at the point-of-purchase because, of course, bronzed or not, they're totally useless.
The problem with shoes for newborns is technical, but in simplified layman's terms it boils down to this: babies can't walk. Therefore, the whole shoe thing is a waste of time.
Older children who do walk may appreciate owning shoes, especially because in combination with shirts, they allow one to get service.
Pyjamas
For some reason, children are expected to wear pyjamas, even though most adults don't. Those adults who do wear pyjamas wear them all the time and never take them off (for example, Hugh Hefner).
Why is it that children are required to wear pyjamas but are prohibited from having a smoking jacket and pipe and going to late-night parties with supermodels? No one knows. But the good news is baby pyjamas look even more like Star Trek outfits than onesies do, so enjoy.
Miscellaneous: Jackets, Boots, Sweaters, Etc.
Yeah, you have to buy these too.
1 comment:
Phoenix, your excerpts from this book are hilarious. The funny thing is I am taking heavy mental notes for when I adopt my child. This has to be a spin off of parenting for dummies or something. I like the onesie space age look, i might actually consider bringing the style back!
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