Travelling With Baby
Okay, you've got a kid now. Your wild days are over. No more partying all night at some crazy dance club. No more spontaneous trips to the lake. No more, well, no more leaving the house really.
Actually, that's not true. There will be times when you'll have to leave the house. If the house is on fire, for example. And when these rare occasions come up, you'll have to pack the baby travel kit.
Manoeuvring around on the Earth's surface with a little kid is different from the kind of travel you've been used to until now. A trip to the corner store to buy some eggs has to be as carefully planned as a bank heist. Know your exits, figure out the angles. Can you trust the people in your gang, or will your spouse turn tail and run when things get ugly after your toddler sees the rack of lollipops?
But if you can do it, if you can make it to the corner store and back with your small child and your marriage intact, the rewards are enormous. Eggs, for one. And secondly, a feeling of accomplishment. You have left the house and returned alive. Congratulations. You are Marco Polo.
Here's what you need to make this dream a reality:
Car Seat
In the good old days, children were tough. They didn't need car seats. They just sat in cars, maybe on people's laps. People would just put babies in the trunk or strap 'em to the roof, crack open a beer, take a big hunk of asbestos and rub it on their face (for luck), and off they'd go.
They just didn't know any better. It's easy to laugh at the naivete of the previous generation, but remember all that money you lost in the 1990's investing in pets.com? So shut up.
Anyway, now things are different than the free-and-easy-baby-flying-through-the-air-because-there's-no-such-thing-as-car-seats 1950s. All children must now be secured to the auto frame by a federally approved child-safety harness system. This system must be installed properly to ensure all mandatory safety standards have been met, and it must match the age, height, weight, blood type, and future sexual orientation of the child.
Additionally, all children must be placed in the rear seat of the automobile, to protect them from the federally inspected air-bag safety system in the front seat which is good for you but bad for them.
That's right. Your kids can't ride up front with you. Not until they're old enough to no longer need a car seat. Under current laws this means they're in the back seat until they're twenty-seven.
This makes things easy because your baby is strapped into a plastic container, facing away from you, in the back seat where you can't reach her. As we all know, babies don't like to be picked up. They like to be isolated away from everybody, ideally turned in a direction where they can't see their parents. Plus, who doesn't like to be strapped into something? So that's another treat for baby.
When driving with your baby in the back seat, try to take it easy. Your baby may be crying, yes, most likely constantly, for the entire trip. But there's nothing you can do about it because you're in the front seat and she's not. She's a back-seat problem. So you're free to relax, tuning out the steadily increasing screaming, devoting your full attention to your driving.
At this point you may notice your knuckles are white and you're going nine times the speed limit so you can get home and get your child out of the car seat before she completes her transformation into the Hulk. This is perfectly normal.
Yes, you probably shouldn't drive that fast, especially while you're looking over your shoulder at the banshee in the back seat.
But on the other hand, at least everybody's strapped in. With all the safety equipment, what the hell, why not have an accident?
Snuglis
Maybe you don't want to drive. Maybe you can walk. Sure, it's fifteen miles. But now that you've crashed your car what choice do you have?
This is where you need the Snugli. The Snugli is a fabric device with a number of straps and buttons and hooks and several warning labels about how it probably shouldn't be used at all by anyone for any purpose.
What is the function of the Snugli? Experts now believe you're supposed to put your baby inside it, somehow, and then fasten some of the straps to your body, probably your upper torso, and then you're supposed to walk around like that.
Thus your baby is right in front of you, where you can deal with her. A side benefit is your baby is on display for all the world to admire. It's like hunters strapping a prize elk to the hood of their car, except the elk doesn't usually puke on the hunters.
A Snugli can be a good choice. Your hands are free, so you're able to do things like wash the dishes, tidy the house, pick up the phone and make a chiropractor's appointment because this kid is eleven pounds now, and so on.
One downside of the Snugli is that, for men, having a baby strapped to your body does now present the most masculine appearance to the world. James Bond, for example, wouldn't have a baby strapped to him (except maybe in that movie where he was played by George Lazenby).
And it's not unknown for the Snuglis themselves to make matters worse by coming in childlike colours and patterns. Even the Lazenby Bond wouldn't wear a Snugli with clowns on it. Not even if it secretly shot rockets.
What can a guy do to counteract this perception? Until they make a leather Snugli, or maybe something in camouflage, there's not much you can do to change the way the world sees you when you stride around with your puking baby strapped to your chest. Our advice to you as a Snugli-wearing man is to is to change your attitude. Don't think of it as a Snugli. Think of it as a baby holster. You know how cops on TV take off their jacket and you can see their shoulder holster? Don't they look cool? Well, the baby holster is bigger than a shoulder holster. So it must be cooler, right?
Plus, unlike a gun, a baby is never on safety. It can go off anytime. You're walking on the wild side, Dad. Look out world, here comes a loose cannon!
Stroller
A stroller isn't just a stroller any more. It's part of an entire system, a host of technologies designed to work together to simplify your baby transportation needs.
Most strollers include a car seat, which doubles as a bassinet, baby carrier, and rocker. The stroller itself may or may not contain: shock absorbers, a separate storage unit, a cup holder, a retractable visor, and, probably wheels.
Most strollers also fold up to fit into a trunk, and can be reconfigured for when your baby turns into a toddler. If you push the right button, many will also transform into a giant attack robot.
From time to time you will come across other parents who have a stroller similar to your own. They may even have the new model, the kinds with two cup-holders or the ability to transform into a better giant attack robot, one that can tap dance or one that has a heart of gold.
It's natural to feel some jealousy in this situation. But try to get past it. It doesn't matter that their stroller is nicer than yours. What you should be jealous about is the fact that their baby is also better-looking.
Sport Strollers or "Joggers"
How can you get by with one stroller, even if it does turn into nine different things? You need a performance jogger, so you can take your baby joggin.
"But I don't want to take my baby jogging," you say. "Why are you saying I need a jogger? Should I be jogging? Are you saying I look fat?"
Relax, fatso. We know you're not going to go jogging, that much is obvious. But you still need a baby jogger for the same reason you need a high-performance, hi-tech breathable water-proof windbreaker designed for rock climbing, or a titanium sportswatch so durable that it will operate flawlessly on the surface of the sun (where, ironically, it would always be noon).
Why do you need these things? Because they are cool.
And baby joggers are cool. They're constructed from light-weight but durable, space-age polymers designed by NASA scientists. They have quality reinforced grommets, so that if you figure out what a grommet is and need to use one, you'll have peace of mind knowing it's reinforced. And they have large aggressive tires with big nubs on them so you can really get the traction you need to BMX (baby motocross).
These things say "Hey, look at me. I'm still young. I'm still hip. Yes, maybe me and my baby are currently here at the mall buying bum cream, but later we're going rock climbing!"
So park your preconceptions at the door, man. This is extreme parenting!
Of course, everybody knows this is bullshit. But that doesn't matter: they will still love and admire you because, at the end of the day the fact remains that you own a baby jogger, and baby joggers are cool.
Actually, that's not true. There will be times when you'll have to leave the house. If the house is on fire, for example. And when these rare occasions come up, you'll have to pack the baby travel kit.
Manoeuvring around on the Earth's surface with a little kid is different from the kind of travel you've been used to until now. A trip to the corner store to buy some eggs has to be as carefully planned as a bank heist. Know your exits, figure out the angles. Can you trust the people in your gang, or will your spouse turn tail and run when things get ugly after your toddler sees the rack of lollipops?
But if you can do it, if you can make it to the corner store and back with your small child and your marriage intact, the rewards are enormous. Eggs, for one. And secondly, a feeling of accomplishment. You have left the house and returned alive. Congratulations. You are Marco Polo.
Here's what you need to make this dream a reality:
Car Seat
In the good old days, children were tough. They didn't need car seats. They just sat in cars, maybe on people's laps. People would just put babies in the trunk or strap 'em to the roof, crack open a beer, take a big hunk of asbestos and rub it on their face (for luck), and off they'd go.
They just didn't know any better. It's easy to laugh at the naivete of the previous generation, but remember all that money you lost in the 1990's investing in pets.com? So shut up.
Anyway, now things are different than the free-and-easy-baby-flying-through-the-air-because-there's-no-such-thing-as-car-seats 1950s. All children must now be secured to the auto frame by a federally approved child-safety harness system. This system must be installed properly to ensure all mandatory safety standards have been met, and it must match the age, height, weight, blood type, and future sexual orientation of the child.
Additionally, all children must be placed in the rear seat of the automobile, to protect them from the federally inspected air-bag safety system in the front seat which is good for you but bad for them.
That's right. Your kids can't ride up front with you. Not until they're old enough to no longer need a car seat. Under current laws this means they're in the back seat until they're twenty-seven.
This makes things easy because your baby is strapped into a plastic container, facing away from you, in the back seat where you can't reach her. As we all know, babies don't like to be picked up. They like to be isolated away from everybody, ideally turned in a direction where they can't see their parents. Plus, who doesn't like to be strapped into something? So that's another treat for baby.
When driving with your baby in the back seat, try to take it easy. Your baby may be crying, yes, most likely constantly, for the entire trip. But there's nothing you can do about it because you're in the front seat and she's not. She's a back-seat problem. So you're free to relax, tuning out the steadily increasing screaming, devoting your full attention to your driving.
At this point you may notice your knuckles are white and you're going nine times the speed limit so you can get home and get your child out of the car seat before she completes her transformation into the Hulk. This is perfectly normal.
Yes, you probably shouldn't drive that fast, especially while you're looking over your shoulder at the banshee in the back seat.
But on the other hand, at least everybody's strapped in. With all the safety equipment, what the hell, why not have an accident?
Snuglis
Maybe you don't want to drive. Maybe you can walk. Sure, it's fifteen miles. But now that you've crashed your car what choice do you have?
This is where you need the Snugli. The Snugli is a fabric device with a number of straps and buttons and hooks and several warning labels about how it probably shouldn't be used at all by anyone for any purpose.
What is the function of the Snugli? Experts now believe you're supposed to put your baby inside it, somehow, and then fasten some of the straps to your body, probably your upper torso, and then you're supposed to walk around like that.
Thus your baby is right in front of you, where you can deal with her. A side benefit is your baby is on display for all the world to admire. It's like hunters strapping a prize elk to the hood of their car, except the elk doesn't usually puke on the hunters.
A Snugli can be a good choice. Your hands are free, so you're able to do things like wash the dishes, tidy the house, pick up the phone and make a chiropractor's appointment because this kid is eleven pounds now, and so on.
One downside of the Snugli is that, for men, having a baby strapped to your body does now present the most masculine appearance to the world. James Bond, for example, wouldn't have a baby strapped to him (except maybe in that movie where he was played by George Lazenby).
And it's not unknown for the Snuglis themselves to make matters worse by coming in childlike colours and patterns. Even the Lazenby Bond wouldn't wear a Snugli with clowns on it. Not even if it secretly shot rockets.
What can a guy do to counteract this perception? Until they make a leather Snugli, or maybe something in camouflage, there's not much you can do to change the way the world sees you when you stride around with your puking baby strapped to your chest. Our advice to you as a Snugli-wearing man is to is to change your attitude. Don't think of it as a Snugli. Think of it as a baby holster. You know how cops on TV take off their jacket and you can see their shoulder holster? Don't they look cool? Well, the baby holster is bigger than a shoulder holster. So it must be cooler, right?
Plus, unlike a gun, a baby is never on safety. It can go off anytime. You're walking on the wild side, Dad. Look out world, here comes a loose cannon!
Stroller
A stroller isn't just a stroller any more. It's part of an entire system, a host of technologies designed to work together to simplify your baby transportation needs.
Most strollers include a car seat, which doubles as a bassinet, baby carrier, and rocker. The stroller itself may or may not contain: shock absorbers, a separate storage unit, a cup holder, a retractable visor, and, probably wheels.
Most strollers also fold up to fit into a trunk, and can be reconfigured for when your baby turns into a toddler. If you push the right button, many will also transform into a giant attack robot.
From time to time you will come across other parents who have a stroller similar to your own. They may even have the new model, the kinds with two cup-holders or the ability to transform into a better giant attack robot, one that can tap dance or one that has a heart of gold.
It's natural to feel some jealousy in this situation. But try to get past it. It doesn't matter that their stroller is nicer than yours. What you should be jealous about is the fact that their baby is also better-looking.
Sport Strollers or "Joggers"
How can you get by with one stroller, even if it does turn into nine different things? You need a performance jogger, so you can take your baby joggin.
"But I don't want to take my baby jogging," you say. "Why are you saying I need a jogger? Should I be jogging? Are you saying I look fat?"
Relax, fatso. We know you're not going to go jogging, that much is obvious. But you still need a baby jogger for the same reason you need a high-performance, hi-tech breathable water-proof windbreaker designed for rock climbing, or a titanium sportswatch so durable that it will operate flawlessly on the surface of the sun (where, ironically, it would always be noon).
Why do you need these things? Because they are cool.
And baby joggers are cool. They're constructed from light-weight but durable, space-age polymers designed by NASA scientists. They have quality reinforced grommets, so that if you figure out what a grommet is and need to use one, you'll have peace of mind knowing it's reinforced. And they have large aggressive tires with big nubs on them so you can really get the traction you need to BMX (baby motocross).
These things say "Hey, look at me. I'm still young. I'm still hip. Yes, maybe me and my baby are currently here at the mall buying bum cream, but later we're going rock climbing!"
So park your preconceptions at the door, man. This is extreme parenting!
Of course, everybody knows this is bullshit. But that doesn't matter: they will still love and admire you because, at the end of the day the fact remains that you own a baby jogger, and baby joggers are cool.
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